The Churn Beneath the Mask: A Trail Reflection from Michael

I am made from the things I’ve faced and the things I chose not to run from.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

You Can’t Heal What You Won’t Hike Into

Most people hike through life at the surface.
Smiles on the trail. Light chatter. Behavior that says, “I’m fine.”
But sometimes, the rhythm of my boots syncs with something deeper.
A stillness. A pressure. A quiet story rising in my chest.

That’s when I know I’ve entered the churn.

My Churn Always Comes With Questions

I feel it often when I’m hiking alone.
The thoughts creep in like fog:

“Why am I still struggling with the same patterns?”
“Have I really changed, or am I just better at hiding it?”
“When will I finally feel whole? Not just improving, but enough?”

I’ve seen so much growth in myself over the last few years, from sobriety to self-awareness to finding purpose.
And yet, some days on the trail, I still feel like I’m behind.
That maybe I’m too slow, or too late, or too far gone to keep going.

But here’s the truth I’m learning to hold:
Depth and questions are not the enemy.
My pace may be slow, but my roots are getting deeper.
The churn? It means I’m still alive to do the work.

The Trail Below the Trail

There’s a reason that creeks run muddy.
The real work is underneath. Stones shift, silt is stirred, and roots grip dark places.

Underneath is disorienting. It is quiet. But it is also where the real self lives.
Healing is messy. But it’s also sacred.

You don’t get clear by avoiding the current.
You get clear by letting it pass through you.

The trail doesn’t ask you to be perfect.
It just asks you to keep walking even when the ground is uneven and the air is thick with doubt.

A Trailside Practice: Touch the Churn

Next time you’re out and that tightness creeps in, try this:

Creekside Grounding Practice

1. Squat near water. Any moving water source will do.
2. Place one hand on your chest, one on your stomach.
3. Ask quietly: “What emotion is running under my surface today?”
4. Don’t try to fix it. Just name it.
5. Say to yourself, out loud if you can:
   “I allowed to feel this. I’m allowed to heal from this.”
6. Then stand. Keep walking. Let that feeling walk with you.

Let the Water Stir

Mental health isn’t a box you check off. Mental health is a relationship with yourself that needs care, space, and honesty.
If you ignore the churn, it doesn’t go away. It just finds more subtle ways to drag you under.

So, I’m learning not to run from it.
Not to push it down.
Not to let the old patterns tell me who I am.

Let the water stir.
Because the deeper you go, the more real your healing becomes.